MP3 Gaze

Look. She’s even got an MP3 player vest on.

Who even owns an MP3 player vest?

Who makes an MP3 player vest?

Brainic’s Vitawave II looks like the Vitawave I and it’s got virtually the same name as the Vitawave I. Normally I write about the product’s name or appearance.

I could actually do this properly and read a press release about the Vitawave II, but unfortunately my pathetic monolinguality means that I can’t comprehend Brainic’s website. So what do I do?

I know. Make the picture bigger: Behold.

Look at that. That’s too small. She can’t even hold the bloody thing properly.

Rubbish.

“Look at it! Look at the MP3 player! Can you see the MP3 player? I’m holding it RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!”

I’m feeling slightly upset. I wrote a great - a BRILLIANT - update about how you wore this on your head and how it would make you look like a gimboid. Now I’ve just found another picture with the contraption clasped around a hand. It’s nowhere near big enough to go on your head.

Maybe it’s for animals. Lemurs could wear it on their heads. Eagles could. A good many fish could, although they don’t have ears. Wait, neither do eagles.

Brainic’s Vitawave I has been designed for lemurs.

Fergie’s an idiot. Don’t get Samsung’s K5. It’ll only encourage them to use her again.

Look at that dress.

Look at that face.

And is that a crest behind her? Fergie doesn’t have a crest or a coat of arms or whatever. She doesn’t have a surname. Crests are for surnames.

(Or does she not have a first name?)

Trekstor have broken me. If you’ve read any of my previous Trekstor reviews, you’ll know that I’ve been writing them in one go, but I can’t go on.

This is my seventh i.Beat review. There are six further i.Beats of various forms. I really, really don’t know what the difference between them is, other than the look. Maybe that’s the whole point. I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t go on.

I can’t write how much I hate Trekstor’s approach to spelling one more time. They never gave me anything else to latch onto. The i.Beats are all the same and they’re all very, very dull.

I’m going to go and do something more spiritually rewarding now, like repeatedly punching myself in the face.

Looks like an egg. Is called an ‘egge’. ISN’T AN EGG!

Don’t eat the egge!

Don’t break the egge!

Don’t beat the egge!

As a rule of thumb, treat it like your previous MP3 player.

The woman in the picture isn’t wearing any clothes. Now look at what she’s holding. Do you get it yet?

You plug it into your MP3 player and it vibrates in time to the music.

I’m not totally sure why it’s a good idea to have something like this that plugs into a portable music player. It kind of implies that you need to carry one round with you for train journeys and stuff. You really shouldn’t use one of these on a train. Trains vibrate anyway.

I thought it was supposed to shine out of his arse.

This was something to do with iPods back in 2004.

2004 might as well be the cretaceous period for all the relevance it has now.

In 2004 MP3 players’ memories were measured in terms of how many CDs you could fit on them. It was usually about four or five.

Suggested marketing slogan: “I love Loozy” or “Loozy in the sky with either 512MB or 1GB of storage space”.

This is one of the most average MP3 players on the planet. If you averaged the specifications of all the other MP3 players on the market, it would read as the spec sheet of the Loozy.

Looks a bit like it slides open though. That would be cool. I’m not sure whether it actually does this though, because Brainic’s site’s all written in ‘foreign’ - a language in which I’m anything but fluent.

Why is she so blurry?

Why is she so naked?

Perhaps she can get away with being naked because she’s always so blurry. But how does she get away with being so blurry?

Walletex make credit card sized flash drives. This is their MP3 player. It’s also credit card sized.

I’m not sure what their stance on product models is, but I’m going to monitor them to see if either the nudity or the blurriness is a theme.

It’s ‘the slimmest subscription-enabled MP3 Player on the market’. You’d think everybody would be jumping on that bandwagon.

4GB, up to 20 hours playing time and the keypad lights up.

I’ve no real insight into this product. Michael Vaughan’s closing on a hundred in the Headingley Test against the West Indies as I write this, so I’m a bit distracted. Can’t see anything about radio for Samsung’s K3, so you probably couldn’t listen to Test Match Special with it.

Rubbish.

At last - an MP3 player with a proper name. I give you: Diana.

This is bound to spark a big rush of decent names.

Coming soon:

The Kevin.
The Karl.
The Ian.
The Colin.
The iPoddinator 9000

With those wireless Logitech headphones on and that grey outfit, what does Thierry Henry remind you of?

Subconsciously all of us want to be spacemen, because spacemen are cool and they have loads of adventures.

Thierry Henry is obviously trying to escape his mundane life of international sporting glory by adopting a faux-spaceman look.

I myself have at times adopted the spaceman look, only I did it more deliberately.

My spaceman helmet even had a rippled visor so the floor became all bumpy like the moon. Only with grass.