MP3 Gaze

It’s ‘universal’. That means it works with everything.

That’s right. Every single kind of iPod.

Because there’s only one company making MP3 players in ‘the universe’.

I vote we test its docking capabilities by running a huge ocean-going cruise liner into it. See how it bears up under that sort of force.

Look at that. That’s too small. She can’t even hold the bloody thing properly.

Rubbish.

I thought it was supposed to shine out of his arse.

This was something to do with iPods back in 2004.

2004 might as well be the cretaceous period for all the relevance it has now.

In 2004 MP3 players’ memories were measured in terms of how many CDs you could fit on them. It was usually about four or five.

The four band members - Bono, The Edge, Adam thingy and the other one - have all etched their names on the back with a compass, like you’re all mates at school or something.

In return, you could etch your name on The Edge’s guitar and sell it back to him for five times what it was worth.

Me and a friend went through a period of making triple-decker sandwiches featuring fried slabs of spam as one of the primary ingredients.

I’m not sure whether this iSpam would be suitable. Presumably somebody’s had their hands all over it. I consider ‘hands’ to be significantly dirtier than, say, the floor.

This was made by Steve Lodefink. I found it via Idiot Toys‘ archives.

In short, there’s a thing you put in your running shoe and it transmits data to your iPod. Your iPod can then tell you how much slower you’re running than a month ago when you were last inspired to do some exercise.

Apple and particularly Nike will tell you that you need the special Nike trainers to put the pedometer thing in, but you don’t.

This is just as well, because Nike trainers are really, really bad for running in. If you’ve got even the faintest intention of running further than the end of the road then you’ll break your feet if you wear Nike trainers. Despite what Nike tell you, their footwear isn’t designed for sport. It’s designed for looking like you do sport, which is entirely different.

Here we see the Bono its natural habitat of the press conference.

In order to evade predators, this Bono has cleverly concealed itself behind two iPods.

Sadly, man’s influence is leading to smaller and smaller iPods, making it harder and harder for wild Bonos to escape detection.

If nothing is done to reverse this trend, the Bono may become a thing of the past before this decade is out.

I’m drowning in corporate smugness.

Why not get your iPod engraved?

Here are some suggestions as to what you could have written:

“I hate my iPod so much, I had it burnt with a laser.”

“We’re all individuals.”

“Recharge battery.”

“Why can’t Apple make bigger iPods so I can write something good on it.”

“iPod? iRiver? What’s the difference?”

The first thing that strikes me about the ‘Tune In Wallet’ is obviously the name. I think it’s a play on words that hasn’t quite worked. It sounds a bit like caveman English.

The second thing that I notice is that the ‘intricate pattern detail’ is on the inside. Why is it on the inside? Surely, if your case is open, you’re doing stuff with the iPod itself. You’re not gazing lovingly at the inside of the case. I can understand that the outside might not get much of an airing, because ordinarily it would be in your pocket, but the inside?

I wonder how much of a part the ‘intricate pattern detail’ played in making the price of this product roughly equivalent to a less branded MP3 player. You’ll notice that I don’t include the price, which is because we’re all from different countries. Maybe the Tune In Wallet’s cheap in your country. I wouldn’t count on it though.

Protect your iPod nano by putting it in a metal box. Express your individuality by selecting one of six predefined colours of officially sanctioned protective cases.

I’d probably opt for the understated grey. That way you wouldn’t know that I was expressing myself through my choice of colour. You’d think that the grey had been foisted upon me through circumstance.

That’s what my selection of grey says about me: I’m the kind of person who doesn’t need to express his individuality through the products he buys.

So that’s what you have to think when you see me with all my grey stuff.

Record things onto your iPod nano. Like what? Some suggestions are given.

No, the real benefit of the XtremeMac MicroMemo is for eight-year-olds to record themselves talking and to feel embarrassed at what was recorded afterwards. That’s who this should be marketed at. ‘Make your own amateur radio show and wince when you play it back’. That could be the slogan.

Also, I can’t help but notice that this is another product name where the space bar has been under-utilised.