MP3 Gaze

Fergie’s an idiot. Don’t get Samsung’s K5. It’ll only encourage them to use her again.

Look at that dress.

Look at that face.

And is that a crest behind her? Fergie doesn’t have a crest or a coat of arms or whatever. She doesn’t have a surname. Crests are for surnames.

(Or does she not have a first name?)

Trekstor have broken me. If you’ve read any of my previous Trekstor reviews, you’ll know that I’ve been writing them in one go, but I can’t go on.

This is my seventh i.Beat review. There are six further i.Beats of various forms. I really, really don’t know what the difference between them is, other than the look. Maybe that’s the whole point. I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t go on.

I can’t write how much I hate Trekstor’s approach to spelling one more time. They never gave me anything else to latch onto. The i.Beats are all the same and they’re all very, very dull.

I’m going to go and do something more spiritually rewarding now, like repeatedly punching myself in the face.

Looks like an egg. Is called an ‘egge’. ISN’T AN EGG!

Don’t eat the egge!

Don’t break the egge!

Don’t beat the egge!

As a rule of thumb, treat it like your previous MP3 player.

The woman in the picture isn’t wearing any clothes. Now look at what she’s holding. Do you get it yet?

You plug it into your MP3 player and it vibrates in time to the music.

I’m not totally sure why it’s a good idea to have something like this that plugs into a portable music player. It kind of implies that you need to carry one round with you for train journeys and stuff. You really shouldn’t use one of these on a train. Trains vibrate anyway.

I thought it was supposed to shine out of his arse.

This was something to do with iPods back in 2004.

2004 might as well be the cretaceous period for all the relevance it has now.

In 2004 MP3 players’ memories were measured in terms of how many CDs you could fit on them. It was usually about four or five.

Why is she so blurry?

Why is she so naked?

Perhaps she can get away with being naked because she’s always so blurry. But how does she get away with being so blurry?

Walletex make credit card sized flash drives. This is their MP3 player. It’s also credit card sized.

I’m not sure what their stance on product models is, but I’m going to monitor them to see if either the nudity or the blurriness is a theme.

It’s ‘the slimmest subscription-enabled MP3 Player on the market’. You’d think everybody would be jumping on that bandwagon.

4GB, up to 20 hours playing time and the keypad lights up.

I’ve no real insight into this product. Michael Vaughan’s closing on a hundred in the Headingley Test against the West Indies as I write this, so I’m a bit distracted. Can’t see anything about radio for Samsung’s K3, so you probably couldn’t listen to Test Match Special with it.

Rubbish.

At last - an MP3 player with a proper name. I give you: Diana.

This is bound to spark a big rush of decent names.

Coming soon:

The Kevin.
The Karl.
The Ian.
The Colin.
The iPoddinator 9000

With those wireless Logitech headphones on and that grey outfit, what does Thierry Henry remind you of?

Subconsciously all of us want to be spacemen, because spacemen are cool and they have loads of adventures.

Thierry Henry is obviously trying to escape his mundane life of international sporting glory by adopting a faux-spaceman look.

I myself have at times adopted the spaceman look, only I did it more deliberately.

My spaceman helmet even had a rippled visor so the floor became all bumpy like the moon. Only with grass.

The four band members - Bono, The Edge, Adam thingy and the other one - have all etched their names on the back with a compass, like you’re all mates at school or something.

In return, you could etch your name on The Edge’s guitar and sell it back to him for five times what it was worth.

Me and a friend went through a period of making triple-decker sandwiches featuring fried slabs of spam as one of the primary ingredients.

I’m not sure whether this iSpam would be suitable. Presumably somebody’s had their hands all over it. I consider ‘hands’ to be significantly dirtier than, say, the floor.

This was made by Steve Lodefink. I found it via Idiot Toys‘ archives.

I tend to write these posts in bulk for each manufacturer. I’m midway through the Trekstor range and I’m already filled with a quite tangible sense of hatred.

It’s the childish, seemingly random, needlessly moronic naming policy they seem to have. I was about to start this sentence with ’sweez’ for example. Then I noticed that it’s not got a capital letter. If I put ’sweez’ at the start of the sentence, it looks like I’ve made a typo and I can’t stand that. If I put ‘Sweez’, it’s wrong and I hate that too.

What the bloody hell is ’sweez’ anyway? It’s nothing. It’s nothing at all. It’s just a stupid series of letters that need taking outside and being given a damn good shoeing.

During my third review, I noticed that it was ‘TrekStor’ and not ‘Trekstor’ as well. I’m not changing all the other reviews though. In fact, I’m sticking with ‘Trekstor’ even though it’s wrong. If the company themselves wilfully disregard anything approaching standards, why should I bow to theirs.

I can’t even be bothered looking at the specs for this MP3 player, I’m so annoyed. If you buy it you’re an idiot who funds other idiots - that’s all you need to know.

This MP3 player was made in about 1872, but it’s quite intriguing, so I’m covering it anyway.

One: ‘SwiMP3 player’. That’s a good name. There are enough terrible names for MP3 players around that a good name deserves to be lauded, even years after it was produced. That’s presuming it’s pronounced ’swim P 3′. If it isn’t, it’s a terrible name.

Two: It transmits sound through your bones. Honestly. It attaches to your goggle straps and vibrates your cheek bones.

Don’t listen to anything with too much bass unless you like the slack-jawed look.

In short, there’s a thing you put in your running shoe and it transmits data to your iPod. Your iPod can then tell you how much slower you’re running than a month ago when you were last inspired to do some exercise.

Apple and particularly Nike will tell you that you need the special Nike trainers to put the pedometer thing in, but you don’t.

This is just as well, because Nike trainers are really, really bad for running in. If you’ve got even the faintest intention of running further than the end of the road then you’ll break your feet if you wear Nike trainers. Despite what Nike tell you, their footwear isn’t designed for sport. It’s designed for looking like you do sport, which is entirely different.

A helix is a twisted, spiral sort of shape. Samsung’s Helix isn’t a helix.

Helix also manufactured ’shatter resistant’ rulers when I was a kid. Fittingly, we always tried to test the shatter resistance of these rulers by attempting to bend them into a helix. To a child ’shatter resistant’ means ‘indestructable’.

I now realise that all it meant was that when you broke the ruler by trying to make it into a helix, it snapped cleanly rather than smashing into hundreds of shards.

Can’t wait to see how this Helix breaks. Probably by being sat on while residing in a back pocket, I’d guess.